Real Post 138 – Before I Die

When I was in the hospital admitted for surgery, I thought a lot of things. How long will I be staying there? I got a job, what will happen to me when I get back? Can I still do the things I did before when I was ‘healthy’? Then I realize a couple. What if I did not make it, who will miss me? If I leave this world, whose gonna take care of my family?

I know I am thinking too much. You can say that I am a pessimist, which is true most of the time. I know there are people that got worse problems and are experiencing more pain that I can possibly feel. I think of it as well. As a matter of fact, that is my ‘sour grapes.’ That is my way of convincing myself that I am gonna be fine. 

Of course I am counting on it. I believe that I am gonna surpass all this challenges life has brought me. And I did not question God why this has happened to me because that would be wrong. He does not give us problems we cannot solve or difficult situations we cannot overcome. And if in case we find ourselves on a brink of losing hope, He gives us inspiration not to. If we just believe in Him. 

Now, back to my story. What if I did not make it?  

Well, at first I started to think of people who will miss me? Eventually, I thought of my friends and family. I am certain my family will mourn me to my grave and think of me once in a while. As for my friends, I don’t think I got a lot. I am not a people-person and that should explain it. I am not talking about the people that we meet online because we all know they are not real, not literally at least. I am pertaining to those we know in real life. I thank them for being there when I needed them. For being there  in my best and not leaving me in my worst. These kind of people are worth holding on to and sure as hell will miss me if I die. 

Second and the most important, at least for me is whose gonna take care of my family? They’re all I’ve got and as of the moment, it’s only me they have in order to survive. I got a lot of dreams for myself when I was young but as I become aware of how the world revolves, I realize that I cannot be a man for myself all the time. That’s not how life works. Sooner or later, you’ll gonna need someone to hold on to. Nobody can live alone forever, even if you are filthy rich and successful or just a stranger I met on the street. We all need each other to face and defeat the obstacles that life brings us everyday. And this is the thing that I am working on for the sake of my family. I stop living life for my own entertainment for a while now cause I realized that we need to live our lives for a reason, for a greater good and for the good of those people we love. And if we pass this phase, then we need to continue our journey, for the sake of others. 

If we cannot make this happen, if I cannot do it, then what is the point of living this life? I do not want to die thinking I just lived for myself. That’s a major waste of life. It’s not living your life to the fullest, it’s called living and dying and nothing in between. I do not want to be like that.

We only got one life in this world. Let’s make sure it’s worth it. 

Real Post 121 – Thanks For Swapping Pocketbooks With Me

I was excited to finally see my youngest brother again. After a couple of years of not seeing him or my parents makes me feel sad and incomplete. I celebrated Christmas and New Year without them for a while, and that makes me think holidays are just another opportunities to earn money ( its double pay when it’s a holiday) and no longer a time to reunite with your love ones. It’s nice to have an amazing job with huge compensation but it’s also lonely at the same time, knowing that you are a hundred miles away from your family. Without any hesitation, I asked him to come over to the city for a summer vacation. Of course, he was very glad to finally see us (I got my other brother with me). After all, this should have been his first time being in Manila.

By the way, this story is not about a happy family reunion but a story of loss. Nothing happened to us if that is what you are thinking. This story is really about my grandmother, Lola Conchit.

My Lola Conchit was such an amazing and cheerful woman. She is a deaf old lady who loves to read pocketbooks. Even at her golden age, she still sees the tiny letters of the books without a reading glasses. This is one of the things that we have in common and one of the reasons why I love to read books at a young age. She did not tell us fairy tales or fantasy stories but instead the love stories she read from the pocketbooks and then ask us to find someone who also read these kind of books and exchange hers with theirs.

She was a free-spirited woman and was full of hopes and dreams for her grandchildren. I can still remember one of the things she said to us, “I wanted to see you all grow up and be successful in your chosen fields.” She was one of my inspiration.

A year ago, she had a mild stroke and became ill. It also caused her to no longer able to walk. Few months ago, we visited her in the province and I saw her in a horrible condition. She lost a lot of weight and could hardly eat. She cried while embracing me. “I cannot believe you are a big handsome fellow now.”, she said. “Look at your old grandmother. Already an invalid.” Despite of the smile she was making while talking to us, I could sense her pain. “Did you bring me some pocketbooks?”, she then asked me. I just smiled at her. I knew she can no longer see clearly as one of the side effects of her illness. “No worries my child, I can no longer see the letters on the books. I just wanted to get out of the house for once in a while and still experience the world.”

A month ago, I bought her a wheelchair. My mother and uncle said she was very happy to finally get out of her house. She even asked my aunt to give her a broomstick so she could sweep all the dried leaves on her backyard. I felt great that time knowing that I fulfilled her wish and she was able to enjoy her life once more.

Yesterday morning, as I was about to go to sleep, I got a text message from my mother. I expected it was a confirmation that my youngest brother had already booked a ticket to Manila. I hardly moved my fingers away from the screen of my phone after reading the message. My brother’s trip was canceled, but we can surely plan another one for him next month. The irreplaceable thing was, Lola Conchit passed away.

I did not get a chance to see her smile again, even for the last time. I just hope that she was able to live her life before she left. I have a lot of dreams for her. She was the last of my grandparents, after all. I just wanted to give the best for her. I am happy she is at peace now.

I thank my Lola Conchit for telling us stories about love and reminding us to be good and great, for being my inspiration and motivation, and lastly, for swapping pocketbooks with me.