When I was in the hospital admitted for surgery, I thought a lot of things. How long will I be staying there? I got a job, what will happen to me when I get back? Can I still do the things I did before when I was ‘healthy’? Then I realize a couple. What if I did not make it, who will miss me? If I leave this world, whose gonna take care of my family?
I know I am thinking too much. You can say that I am a pessimist, which is true most of the time. I know there are people that got worse problems and are experiencing more pain that I can possibly feel. I think of it as well. As a matter of fact, that is my ‘sour grapes.’ That is my way of convincing myself that I am gonna be fine.
Of course I am counting on it. I believe that I am gonna surpass all this challenges life has brought me. And I did not question God why this has happened to me because that would be wrong. He does not give us problems we cannot solve or difficult situations we cannot overcome. And if in case we find ourselves on a brink of losing hope, He gives us inspiration not to. If we just believe in Him.
Now, back to my story. What if I did not make it?
Well, at first I started to think of people who will miss me? Eventually, I thought of my friends and family. I am certain my family will mourn me to my grave and think of me once in a while. As for my friends, I don’t think I got a lot. I am not a people-person and that should explain it. I am not talking about the people that we meet online because we all know they are not real, not literally at least. I am pertaining to those we know in real life. I thank them for being there when I needed them. For being there in my best and not leaving me in my worst. These kind of people are worth holding on to and sure as hell will miss me if I die.
Second and the most important, at least for me is whose gonna take care of my family? They’re all I’ve got and as of the moment, it’s only me they have in order to survive. I got a lot of dreams for myself when I was young but as I become aware of how the world revolves, I realize that I cannot be a man for myself all the time. That’s not how life works. Sooner or later, you’ll gonna need someone to hold on to. Nobody can live alone forever, even if you are filthy rich and successful or just a stranger I met on the street. We all need each other to face and defeat the obstacles that life brings us everyday. And this is the thing that I am working on for the sake of my family. I stop living life for my own entertainment for a while now cause I realized that we need to live our lives for a reason, for a greater good and for the good of those people we love. And if we pass this phase, then we need to continue our journey, for the sake of others.
If we cannot make this happen, if I cannot do it, then what is the point of living this life? I do not want to die thinking I just lived for myself. That’s a major waste of life. It’s not living your life to the fullest, it’s called living and dying and nothing in between. I do not want to be like that.
We only got one life in this world. Let’s make sure it’s worth it.
SchizoGuy Journ To The World 